Personal Training and I | By a Noob, for Noobs

First of, don't worry people. I'm not turning this into a fitness blog. It's just a major part of what I've been up to lately. Thank you for your time :)

Moving on.

When I first joined the gym, my mother asked me if it was really necessary to hire a Personal Trainer (PT). She asked if it wasn't enough for me to have a membership at the club, where I could use the equipments as I wish. Why a PT? My answer to her question was yes, it was absolutely necessary for me to hire a PT.

Here's the thing: I was a newbie/noob, not only at gymming, but exercising entirely. I could honestly tell you if it wasn't for the fact that I had a PT with me since day 1, I'd be lost, with no directions. Of course, any idiot knows how to operate a treadmill or a stationary bike, but as a noob, would you have known that running on the treadmill or cycling alone is not enough to encourage weight loss. Would you have known that though cardio exercises are beneficial, you need to mix your routine with other forms of exercises such as strength, endurance and flexibility trainings as well, in order to work your whole body. Would you have known what kind of exercises would work to tone and firm specific parts of your body? Would you have known which pressure points to focus on when performing certain exercises?

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't. So yes, it was absolutely necessary for me to hire a PT.

A few reasons why I think that having a PT works so well for me:-

1. I joined the gym alone, with no friends tagging along. Naturally, I would feel insecure in a new place and environment, especially one I'm not familiar with at all. Having my PT wait for me at the entrance of the club on the first day, greeting me by my name, with a friendly smile, gave me that extra confidence to step into this new world.

2. Though more often than not, there will be someone at the club more than happy to assist me in operating the equipments, my PT gave me more detailed explanations on each equipment and demonstrated the correct way for using them. He also explained in detail which parts of the body each equipment trains. And if I don't understand or forget, I don't feel so bad for asking him to show me again (when in fact, I just wanted to see him flex his muscles :p)

3. Some of my biggest challenges were discipline and lack of self-control when exercising. I always WANT to go jogging everyday, or WANT to eat healthier but I never do. Or I'll start but for some reason, never follow through to the end. Having a PT helped me focused on the goals that I have set for myself earlier. Since I committed myself to the PT sessions (I squeezed my pockets, left right front and back dry for them), I had no choice but to attend the sessions, one hour per session, every other day. At least in the beginning, that was my reason. But after about 10 sessions, it became a part of my daily routine. I wanted to spend every free time at the gym. If I had a day off, I would immediately schedule a session with Kang. I wanted to take advantage of every single opportunity I had to exercise and benefit from the training.

4. It helps, especially when you're just getting started, to have someone to motivate you, pushing you further beyond what you thought was your limit. I know myself and I'm not much of the self-motivating type. I knew earlier on that if I were to do this on my own, I would've given up at 5/20 push-ups because I was tired. But because I had Kang, who kept on pushing me and insisting "C'mon girl, 15 more to go. You can do this. Focus!", I now know that I am actually capable of 20 push-ups. It could also be really depressing sometimes when you know how much hard work and effort you put into working out but for some reason, you're not achieving the results you want. So, it's good to have someone reassuring you that it is not a problem. That you'll just need to work a little harder and push yourself that much further to get to where you want to go.

Of course, once you've signed up for PT sessions, there are other sacrifices which you should be willing to make. For instance, I believe that your willingness to actually set aside time, every week for your PT sessions is crucial in achieving your fitness goals. Once you have committed yourself to the sessions, you should not be making any excuses at all for not attending them. A lot of people would say, "My work is too demanding, I don't have time to go," or "I'm feeling a bit tired today. I think I'll just go tomorrow." STOP MAKING EXCUSES. Make time. Why wait or tomorrow? Why not make the best of today?

Another important thing - in MY opinion - when deciding on joining a gym or hiring a PT is that you should do it at you own will. Not because all your friends are club members and have PTs, not because your boyfriend/fiance/husband made you. You should join because YOU want to. For yourself, not for others.

I met a lady at the gym the other night. She asked me about my PT sessions and achievements to date and I told her (because regardless of how small they may be to some, I achieved something and am proud of it). I told her that I went for training every other day on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays without fail unless Kang or I have other commitments which we really can't get ourselves out of. I told her about the change in my diet. I told her how I was thirsty for more: to learn more, know more and do more. She was impressed. then she told me something disappointing. She said, "I joined just for fun. I just wanted to try out and see how things go." No, that wasn't the disappointing part. She told me, "How could you be so determined?" I said, "How could I NOT be determined?" She went on telling me that she had signed up for FIVE PT sessions. This is the disappointing part: She went on to say, "Even then, sometimes I might feel lazy and end up not coming." I looked at her with a blank stare for 2 seconds and then launched into a long speech about the above i.e. joining at your own will and being determined. I think she'll be making u-turns the next time she sees me around the club.

But people, do you see my point here. This is what happens when you do something against your will or for the benefit of others. You'll end up making excuses to get out of it because you didn't want it in the first place. Now every exercise will be difficult and impossible for you and in the end, you achieve nothing. All I'm saying is, the right mindset and attitude is really important when starting-up and you'd be surprised at how far they could get you.

Like surgeons, each PT is specialized in different areas of fitness. Though I believe that all of them are trained with the basics, their expertise vary from mass weight loss, mass weight gain, strength and endurance training, body building etc. So make sure you choose a PT who would be able to provide proper guidance throughout your journey in achieving your fitness goals.

Also, it is very important that you choose a PT you are comfortable with. Believe me, you'll thank me for this. Achieving your fitness goals won't happen overnight. You will be spending months (I know people who have spent years with their PTs) working with him/her so it is important that you're able to communicate with him/her without feeling embarrassed or self conscious. Building a healthy relationship between you and your PT will benefit you not only for your training, but in the long-run as well. So make sure that you're comfortable being yourself around your PT. Before you decide on a PT, make a selection of the few you think you might be able to work with. Then, spend some time talking to them to see whether the both of you are able to jive. Don't be afraid to ask questions because it's your right as the client.

So those are my thoughts on the gym and Personal Training. Perhaps they could somehow assist, at least a little, in you getting started. Just remember that they are not life and death decisions to be made. Take your time to consider the options against your capabilities. You wouldn't want to regret any decisions made in a haste. After all, we're not talking about RM10 here.

I'd be happy to introduce some brilliant PTs if any of you are interested *wink*.

I am myself, only better.

After my recent breakup, I decided that I needed to find something productive (other than work) to do to fill my time. Being in a relationship had taken up so much of my time (what with calls and text messaging the whole day, everyday and meeting up on weekends) that when it ended, I was left with this void, not only in my heart but also in my daily routine, to fill.

So, I made the wise decision to take up membership at a gym in town and I dare tell you that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made throughout my 25 years of living.

Okay, first thing's first before I move on, you should know that I was not the fittest person in the crowd. I never played much sports in school because i never was really good at anything. I mean, yeah i could throw a ball through a hoop, but I wasn't excellent at it. I was never good at running or jumping or anything else that involved putting your limbs and muscles to work. To this day, I don't even know how to jump ropes. You give me a skipping rope and I wouldn't know what to do with it, no kidding. Having said that, you would know that joining a gym was one of the biggest steps I took in an effort to make myself better.

You should also know that I never used to think of myself as being fat/overweight/unhealthy. I realized that I was slightly on the heavy side and was much bigger than most of my friends. But I used to think that my size was pretty normal and justified it by claiming that I was big build (Uh huh).

Sometime in late February this year, I met an employee of the club on Twitter. He was a Personal Trainer (PT) and said that he could hook me up with a great deal if I joined that month. So I thought, "What's the harm in just checking it out. I had nothing to lose." I've been planning to join a gym ever since I started working anyways but have always found excuses not to. I was either too busy or too lazy or too broke or had no time. I couldn't commit (wouldn't commit is more like it). So when I heard that the club had a promotion on the joining fees, I said, "Why not?" I scheduled for an appointment, met up with one of the club's Membership Consultant, took a tour of the club and within 2 hours, I was a member, walking out of the club with my membership/access card, complimentary backpack, face towel, water bottle and earphones. There was a few seconds after that when I regretted doing what I had just done. But I ignored the feeling, slept on it and the next morning, woke up with a new excitement and determination.

My purchase of the package came with three (3) sessions with a PT. I've never seriously worked out before. My "workout" regime included the occasional 25 minutes brisk walk in the park with my parents, so the free PT sessions were a good way to get started. I was assigned to a PT named Kang (whom I now fondly refer to as "My Miracle Worker"). I was a bit skeptical at first, feeling inconfident and slightly embarrassed about my fitness level. But Kang was a joyful and approachable person and I slowly eased into comfort after a couple of minutes meeting him.

I was good to go.

The first session was spent getting to know me and my body better. Thank god we did that as by then, I had no idea just how unfit and unhealthy I was. I was given a questionnaire to complete. The questions asked ranged from my exercise routine i.e. what type of exercises do I normally perform, how often do I exercise, when was the last time I exercised; my goals i.e. target weight to lose, by when; and other questions like how much time I was willing to put into achieving my fitness goals and whether I had support from my family and those close to me (which I think are very relevant questions, on which I will elaborate why in a separate post). Thinking back to that day, I remember being slightly shy answering the questions because as I was answering them (especially those on my exercise routine), it dawned upon me: I was one hell of a bum. And that was embarrassing. I even contemplated lying on the questionnaire so as to not appear such a slob, but decided against it cause I figured there was a reason they were asking those questions and if I really wanted to achieve something out of this, I should at least be truthful.

After going over my answers and evaluating the SMART (Specific, Measurable, Action Plan, Realistic, Time Bound) value of my goals, Kang weighed me. You'd think that they used those traditional weighing machines, you know like the ones you and I have at home? But of course not. They are a fitness club. Of course they had a high-tech weighing machine where you key in all these variables i.e. body type, gender, age, height, clothed/unclothed, etc and the machine generates these data on your body composition. My stats on my first weigh-in were as follows:-

BMI: 26.4 (No, you don't have to tell me I was bordering overweight. I knew).

Weight: 69.2 kg (I swear the weighing machine at home said 62kg!).

Fat %: 38.9% (That is a whole lot of fat in one's body).

The ideal weight and fat % for a woman of my age and body type was 52.9kg and 20% respectively. I had a whopping 16.3kg to lose. So you know how humbled I was from that experience. That single weigh-in was a slap right in my face and put everything into perspective: I was unhealthy.

Let me tell you that the results of that weigh-in devastated me. But Kang reassured me that I should not worry and we would work together to reach my fitness goals. By then, I had picked my spirits up and was determined to turn my life around. So, with my game face on, I jumped head first into another shocking discovery: I had a fitness level of 8/24. This was determined by me performing different exercises while Kang scored me based on reps/time performed. The exercises tested my cardio - treadmill (I had to travel as far as I could in 10 minutes), strength - maximum push-ups in 1 minute, core - hold plank position for 2 minutes, balance - hold star position for 2 minutes, and flexibility - sit and reach as far as I could. The scores for each exercise ranged from 1 - 4, 4 being best. No points in guessing that I scored 1s for most of the exercises. My highest score was a 2. How impressive.

Then, armed with the knowledge that I was unsurprisingly unhealthy, and my determination to revamp myself, I signed up for 20 PT sessions under Kang's training. The rest, as they say (whoever they are) is history. Now, after 3 months of PT (I added-on 20 more sessions upon completion of the first 20) and watching what I eat carefully (I cut down on rice entirely, decreased my sugar intake and no fried anything), here's how I measure up:-

BMI: 23.4 (a 3.0 decrease from when I started)

Weight: 61.4kg (I managed to shed off 7.8kg of my weight)

Fat %: 30.3% (I now have 8.6% less fat in my body than before)

Though I have not yet reached my ideal weight, I'm not fretting because I now know what I'm capable of and I know that I will keep on working hard towards reaching my goals. Most importantly, exercising has become a habit and part of my daily routine. If I missed even one day of my scheduled gym session, I'll feel uneasy and like my day's incomplete, so I try my best not to.

Now, I can truly say, "I'm awesome."

So this is it? | Yes, this is it. I'm letting you go.| I'm no longer holding on.

Someone once said to me, "You make it difficult to love you sometimes." And now, post-breakup, I wonder how far this is true. I mean, I know I have my mood swings (my brother went as far as to label me bipolar) and I can be a tad bit possessive (just a tad), but I wonder if my personality, who I am and how I act, have made it difficult for people to love me.

Hello again, Bloggerville. It has been a while since I last wrote. I love to use my career as an excuse. That I have been too busy with work to find time to write, but the truth is, I have just been lazy. Lazy to sit in front of the computer and squeeze my creative juices out. Every single time a thought crosses my mind or I see something interesting (or not), I compose a line in my head. Then I get back to work, which lasts 'til late most days, and then I get home and by the time I shower and change, I am too tired to do anything but sleep. So that's what I do. My laziness has come to a point where my whole body aches because I sit here and do nothing. So I have decided that things are going to change this year. This year, my life calls for a revamp. This year, you will meet the new Jehan, InsyaAllah.

On that note, yes ladies and gentlemen, you read (perhaps some of you heard) right. I am no longer part of a couple. I am now single and learning to enjoy it. It was difficult to adjust in the beginning but I think I've gotten the hang of it now. I mean, taking out 2 and a half years worth of relationship from your life is a HUGE thing. You don't just become okay after a day. It takes time and how much time it takes depend on how far you're willing to let go and let yourself heal. I am happy to say that I am now healed, partially to say the least. I mean, there are still times when I am alone where I sit and ponder on what could've/should've/would've been, but generally, I am okay. It's not like I'm wallowing in my heartbreak that I sit in my room crying all day long. Hell, my eating habit didn't even change. I did not lose sleep nor weight over it. I am perfectly normal and a-okay.

The fact that I am normal and a-okay doesn't mean that I wasn't broken though. I was. For about two days. Secretly. Haha. But then again, you'd only expect that from a broken 2 and a half years relationship. I have had someone to whine to for 2 and a half years. For that same amount of time as well, I have had a reason for the empty feeling that tugs in my heart sometime (you know, the kind you get when you miss someone). For 2 and a half years, I had someone to complain about how fabulous (or shitty) my day was, about how I can't seem to lose weight, or anything else I could think of. For 2 and a half years, I had someone tell me how pretty I am every single day and how awesome I've made his life. For 2 and half years, I had someone else to call besides my father when I get harassed at the local 7-Eleven. And all of a sudden, with just two phone calls, I was all by myself.

That takes time getting used to.

I imagined I would be heartbroken for a while. I imagined losing sleep and my appetite not only for food but also for life. I actually thought of it for a while. Not eating as a show of heartbroken-ess, I meant. But it seemed silly. I mean, why should I stop eating just because a guy left me, right? 2 and a half years or not, I always loved food more that any guy. I still do. So that was scratched off my "Things-to-do-because-I'm-heartbroken" list. As I wondered of other things to do, I began to think to myself: Why do I even bother planning to hurt myself for this guy? Is he even worth it? I am way way WAY better than that and I deserve WAY better than him. I mean, don't get me wrong. He was a good guy. Not great, but definitely good. Our relationship had its ups and downs (towards the final few months, there were more downs than ups) but he was always good to me. Or at least he tried to always be good to me. He also tried to be there for me as much as he could and treated me well when we were together. However, despite all that, I have always had a hard time trusting him. Which was a HUGE problem because aren't all successful relationships based on trust? Isn't trust the core from which a successful relationship is sprouted?

So yeah, we were doomed from the very beginning.

But that doesn't mean that I regret anything. There is not a single thing we went through which I wish I could go back in time and change. I believe with all my heart (and this what I told him) that every single thing we have been through together has influenced me into becoming the person I am today. From our experience together, I have learned the following, among other things:-

1. That no matter how much you love (or you think you love) someone, never ever put 100% trust in him / her. Always, ALWAYS give him /her the benefit of a doubt because that way, when you are betrayed, your "ideal" won't be crushed too badly.
2. It is better to take your time getting to know a person rather than rushing into the idea of being in love/a relationship.
3. You cannot change a person. Or rather, you should not change a person. Let him / her be the way he / she is. I mean, yeah, maybe you could make them act/talk/laugh how you want them to in the beginning but think of it: how long do you think a person can pretend? How long can you pretend?

Okay, I can only think of the top 3 at this moment, but not in that exact order. and I'm not saying this applies to everyone. But these are some of the things I've learned and I know not to do again in future relationship(s).

Letting go is hard, I have to admit. But believe me when I say that you can never do it alone. I know (from experience, I must say) that it gets worse if I attempt to do it alone because I'll relapse and end up calling him, crying over the phone begging for him to take me back. And he'll do it, I know he'll do it out of pity but how long will that last? We'll never be happy. So the fact that I have a super strong support system (consisting of siblings, friends, colleagues) who tells me every single day that things are going to be okay, that he is a jerk (girlfriends always say this to their girlfriend when she gets dumped but it is not always true), that there is in fact light at the end of the tunnel, a rainbow after the rain, really helps. And I am thankful for that.

I will always hold the memories of our relationship close and dear to my heart because despite everything that has happened, I loved him and a small part of me deep down still does. Because you can't just turn off your feelings like a tap. And I wish the best for him and only pray for his happiness and well being wherever he may be, whoever he ends up with.

So yes, maybe we'll be friends in the future, who knows? But for now, I am happy to say that I am over it.

And with this, I proudly announce my return.

For you to notice

Dear Love

There may be times when I might doubt you. When that happens, it won't be because I don't trust you. It'll be because I know you.

I know you, and I know what you are capable of.

Love,

Me

Candy on the outside, not always a pleasant surprise on the inside.

Here’s the thing about relationships and I: At times, I REALLY suck at it. The “Let the world see who I really am” me is different in a lot of ways from the “in a relationship mode” me. To the world, I may seem independent, confident and reliable. I may look like I’m capable to do things without screwing them up. Heck, I’ve even gotten awards for normal things that may seem impossible to some (Hey, speaking in public is a general fear among a lot of people nowadays, okay). However, if someone was to be awarded “Girlfriend / Life Partner of The Entire Human Existence”, I know for sure that I wouldn’t even make it to the list of Top 1 million nominees.

What I believe to be my biggest problem / challenge is the fact that I get attached to people / things / situations really easy (pardon the slashes. I’m kind of attached to it because of work). Give me one thing that i really, really like and you’ll find it with me all the time for a long, long time. Like I had this necklace my sister gave to me as a graduation present in my Diploma years. It was heart-shaped and had this sort of antique-ish rust to it and I loved it. So, I ended up wearing it everywhere, with any outfit, I didn’t care if I was accessorizing to much or if it doesn’t match my attire for the day. The same goes with people. Once I’ve taken a liking in you, then that’s it. There will be no way out for you – until I’ve lost interest.

So once I’m hooked, I’ll have all this expectations from the object of my affection. Like for instance, I would expect said individual to always want to be with me as much (read ALL the time) – if not more than – as I want to be with him. And it would take me a few minutes – after whining and sulking on the fact that it turns out, said individual DOES NOT want to spend all of his waking hours with me – to realise that sometimes, people – maybe not me, but people – need some time to themselves, be it alone or to spend it with other people whom or things which doesn’t equate to JEHAN. Upon realising this, 10 or 15 minutes after hanging up emotionally on said individual, I would then take my usual walk of shame down the road of apologies (IMPORTANT NOTE: there’s nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to apologising, especially if it’s for something that was really your fault. Unless of course, it’s something really dumb and idiotic that you were so strongly backing up before realising that it is in fact really dumb and idiotic) and start tapping the keypad of my phone, drafting a really long text message on how sorry I am and that I should be more understanding and how I really am a bad, bad girlfriend.

And then I don’t sleep because I’ll be replaying the conversation / situation over and over and over (they say repeating something twice is too little, 4 times is too much. 3 times is just nice) in my head substituting words, emotions, changing the script here and there, thinking of how I could have handled things better. But the thing about dwelling on the past and regretting it is that there really isn’t a point to it. It has happened. The milk has been spilt, be it accidentally or not. Rice has in fact become porridge and there are absolutely no ways / means of turning it into rice again. I can dwell and regret all I want, I can try all the tears there is to cry but at the end of the day, the fact still remains – I did what I did and said what I said. I guess it’s true what they say (them and their sayings) that words are mightier than swords (or is it pens are mightier than swords? I can’t seem to recall).

But you see, I know that there is no point to it. But that doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. And so the cycle goes on and on and on.

They say us human beings are an ungrateful bunch.

Another thing about relationships and I: I THINK I am the best girlfriend ever in the whole entire universe. Like seriously. I would always want to be there for the people I love, telling them, “I’m here if you need me,” and then I get really emotional if I found out that said loved ones have been balling up and hiding their feelings / emotions and not coming to me for comfort. What I normally realise – a little too little too late, of course – that some people don’t go to other people for comfort when they are facing problems because they simply don’t want to. I don’t know why is it so hard for me to accept the fact that some people – unlike me who looooove finding comfort in other people – find comfort in other things like futsal or watching movies alone (to which I will of course question, “Why did you go alone? Why didn’t you ask me to go with you?”) or running or watching TV or sleeping. THEY JUST DON’T TALK ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS, GET IT ALREADY JEHAN! NOT EVERYONE WHORES THEIR EMOTIONS LIKE YOU! But does Jehan get it? Yes she does, for about 2 weeks.

Ok, so I don’t really WHORE my emotions. I mean, I don’t tell my problems to the next person who sits next to me on the LRT. But I do like to express my feelings – sometimes too much – to my confidants. I can’t help it. I guess I just haven’t really mastered The Art of Balling up Your Feelings Inside Without EVER Bursting.

And then there’s that other thing about me talking too much. I am not a compulsive talker but I will admit that I’m known to conquer a large part of a conversation at times – which is not a good thing if you ask mannerism and etiquettes specialists. However, I take comfort in the knowledge that know – for a FACT – that there are people out there who are just like or worse than me when it comes to talking too much. I know some of them personally.

So to the Exes and Currents, thank you for all the good and bad, happy and sad, up and down times. The fact that you lasted with me more than a year is an indication that you accepted me for who I really am – until you couldn’t / can’t take it anymore.

Dear Nexts, consider yourselves warned.

They say true love lasts forever - even if you're no longer together. If that's the case, then I don't want to be friends with Loneliness anymore.

Dear Love

I hope you know that whatever I do, I have your best interests at heart.

I may sound sad at times but try my hardest to hide my sadness from you. I hope you know that when that happens, it means that I can not bear to see you sad or hurt. Sometimes, ignorance IS bliss.

I know it may be difficult to comprehend but I hope you understand that sometimes I may be laughing along with you, but my heart may be hurting and crying. But when I do cry out loud, I hope you know it's because I trust you that much to be coming undone before you. So please, hold me like you mean it when you say, "Don't worry, everything will be okay." (You telling me that everything will be okay would be the only thing I want to hear then).

Meeting you was fate. Becoming your friend was a choice. Falling in love with you, I had no control over. I hope you understand that it's only natural for me to be so afraid of losing you. But all I want is for you to be happy and if it means letting you go, then I will. I will cry endless tears and my heart would shatter. But trust me, you will be free.

I hope you know it in your heart, even when you don't hear it from me, that I would never do anything intentionally to hurt you.

I hope you know that I love you, always have and always will.

Love,

Me

Back to being lonely

A colleague told me today that I looked sexy. My first, immediate reaction to that was to look down and check if one of the buttons on my shirt had accidentally come undone. She (Yes, she. What? Did you expect I would just allow some random guy to tell me I look sexy in my outfit? Besides, I only believe a compliment like that if it comes from a girl because guys are normally driven by their lust and sexual needs when they say things like that whereas girls usually mean it) laughed and said that it was a compliment. Sexy doesn’t necessarily mean you have to show all the skin and deep cleavages there is to show. To which of course, I agree with. She just caught me off-guard because I rarely if ever, get compliments such as that. Sexy doesn’t necessarily mean overly exposed skin. More than the required and acceptable amount, that is. Most of the time, the way you carry yourself, your confidence and positive attitude can make you appear sexy too. I mean, it’s a universally known fact (sort of. I believe there is a research somewhere I can quote for this. I’ll check) that a confident plain-Jane exudes a higher level of sexiness compared to a timid Eva Mendes lookalike.

I often like to believe that attraction does not solely happen due to a person’s physical appearance. I like to tell myself that it does not matter if I’m tanned and slightly chubby in my cheeks and other places I shall not share and that I look a tad bit mature for my age or that my legs aren’t long enough to be considered as a footwear model or that my thighs aren’t lean enough to be fitted perfectly in any pair of jeans or that my bum is too wide and flat for my liking. A sincere person – one who isn’t driven by their sexual overdrive – would see me beyond all my physical characteristics and notice that I’m actually fun and enjoyable to be with (provided you don’t get on my nerves). But every plain Jane in the world knows that the truth sides on the next drop-dead-two-times-and-roll-over-in-my-grave gorgeous tall, lean, skinny, perfectly-shaped-for-a-thin-person, young-looking, doe-eyed girl, confident (gorgeous AND confident. What a combination) who passes by. Yes, we live in a world where the durian is delicious but stinks and truths are harsher than we would like them to be.

I was a part of The Company’s orientation programme for new recruits last week. The programme was held for three days and was aimed at equipping us new recruits with better understanding of The Company and its businesses and also to allow us to set a solid network among other new recruits in The Company. So there I was, being Miss New and Improved All Positive Thinking, pumped and excited to join in the fun. Believe it or not, I was anticipating to be a part of the program. I really saw it as an opportunity to meet new people, other than the members of my team (who are fabulous fantastic, I tell you). So I went, walking tall, friendly face – check. I was one of the earlier people to arrive so I got to choose where a seat in whichever table I preferred. Naturally, I scanned the room and upon locating a few people with potentially similar wavelength, I made my steps towards a table in the centre of the room (So Jehan, always wanting to be the centre of attention). I said hello to the other people at the table (naturally) and sat. Sadly though, aside from another girl sitting at the table whom gave me a polite smile and introduced herself with a handshake, the rest of them practically ignored me. My questions were answered half heartedly and one of them was even looking elsewhere while answering my question (okay, I have to admit that it wasn’t really an attempt to make conversation on my part, but at least look in my eyes when you tell me “Yes, we have to register first by signing the attendance sheet”). It turns out in the end that my careful choice of seating did not matter anyway as we were re-divided into groups because the Person in-charge (PIC) thought most of us looked like we were sitting with our own people, which was basically true.

Once we got into our respective groups, we had no choice but to interact with one another of course because there were group activities and tasks to be executed,

I had a point...

Ah...Okay.

So anyways, since I didn’t go with my “own people”, i decided to sit back and enjoy the reality unfolding before my eyes. Yes, I do that sometimes, sit and watch other people’s behaviours and their actions. One thing I noticed about most of the people there – especially guys and don’t blame me for noticing such a minute thing but it was THAT obvious – is that their attention was immediately drawn when this tall, lanky and somewhat beautiful, confident (you could so tell that she was confident just from her stride) girl walked into the room with two of her equally beautiful and attractive friends. Just by merely walking into a room, they managed to capture the attention of ¾ of the room’s population. Imagine the presence they have within them.

What I’m trying to say is, yes your wits, intelligence, literacy, knowledge, smartness and everything else matters to a certain extent. But trust me when I say that physical appearance is the holy grail of all attractions. It doesn’t matter if you’re the smartest or wittiest person on the planet if you do not know how to take care of your appearance and package yourself in a way that attracts people to find out more about you and to finally know that you’re the smartest person on the planet – after you attract them with your dolled up face and perfectly symmetrical smile.

At the end of the day, the plain Jane me did not walk away empty handed. My group nominated me as one of their best dressed member, a title which I didn’t win of course, what with ALL that competition. I was also picked as one of the three most participative participants for this installation of the programme. So despite all the unanswered emails and work that was piling itself up in my in-tray, I enjoyed my three days of orientation. I believe that the programme has managed to achieve what it set out to do. I learned more about The Company, its organisation, composition and service lines (knowing more about its service lines has made me think of venturing into other things now) as well as made friends with some really great people with whom I know I’d keep in touch. So thank you The Company.

Most importantly today, I looked great.

Master Oogway is on the way!

A couple of days ago, a colleague asked me if I knew how to ride a motorcycle. When I told her I don't, she said this, "La. Nampak je ganas. Tapi tak tahu naik motor." (which basically translates to "You look brutal enough to know how to ride a bike"). My reply to her was a blank stare and a small laugh. Just a hint of a laugh. I mean, what was I suppose to reply to that?

My point is, it is just so easy for us to judge people based on merely a first look, without getting to know that person first. And it's so easy for us to assume that we are the same as the people we are closely acquainted to. I say us because I too am guilty of smirks and judgmental thoughts sometimes. I understand that sometimes, we just cannot help it. It's easy. It's easy to assume that just because someone dresses in a way that exposes her sexuality, she's cheap and sleeps around. For all you know, she feels inconfident if she dresses any other way. It's easy to assume that if someone speaks with a certain accent or acts a certain way, he or she is a snob or comes from a certain "society unfriendly" background. It's easy to assume that if someone is dating a mat rempit, then she too is cheap and sleeps around and is a rempit. It's easy to assume that if a person wears a certain type of jeans, then he or she belongs in a certain kind of group. Yes, it's easy. That is why we do it all the time. It's easy, but it's not right.

A general first impression people would have on me would be that I am a snob, because I walk confidently (hahaha) and rarely smile at strangers. Upon first getting to know me, people would still think I'm a snob because I don't talk a lot and would prefer the other party to make conversations. However, once you get to know me better, you feel find that I may be all of the above, and more! No, seriously. I only walk like that because, well because that is just the way I walk. I don't know how to walk any other way. I don't smile a lot to strangers because I'm always worried I'd be embarrassed if they don't return my smile. So I always leave it to them to make the first move, sometimes. I don't talk a lot at first acquaintances because I don't want to be an emotion slut, where I start to throw my life story at the first person who sits next to me at an annual dinner. There are people like that, you know. One second you're saying hello and the next thing you know, she's relating every single thing you say to her life story and ends up 'advising' you to not follow in her footsteps. I hate it when that happens to me so I wouldn't want to impose that on others. It's also because most of the time if I don't really know someone that well, I wouldn't know what to talk to them about. So I try to minimize the talking unless you direct a conversation at me.

I may seem like a girly-girl most of the time. Forever "Ewwwww-ing" at yucky things and never daring to touch anything slimy or cockroach-ish. Creepy crawlies stay away. But believe it or not I love me some hiking in the woods towards a waterfall with six river crossings. I can be totally independent and not depend on the brauny people to assist me in climbing over fallen tree trunks and manouvering around narraow rocks (except that one time I went with En Pencuri Hati and climbed all the way up to the top of Chiling Falls. If I had refused some of his assistance that day I might appear in the next day's newspaper with a headline reading "Fat girl drowns in whirlpool" or something along that line).

I love camping. Provided the need for relieving my self in the bushes does not arise. Yes, I would prefer to camp somewhere where toilet facilities are provided. But nevertheless, I love camping and am always up for the challenge.

I may seem confident and independent most of the time, but the truth is, I am emotionally needy. I guess guys would find that a problem in a girl. It may be true that the act of love doesn't necessarily have to be physical. It doesn't have to be shown. You're supposed to know and feel it when a person loves you. I believe that, to a certain extent. I also believe that if an act of love is shown, it would make it that much more meaningful. Like for instance, I love the fact that my boyfriend calls me every night. Whether or not he does it sincerely or because he somehow feels obliged to do so is beside the point. The point is he calls me every night. Even if he doesn't, I would still know that he loves me. But the fact that he does, makes me feel important, like I am so much a part of his life. So when he falls asleep after a long day and night at work and it somehow slips his mind to call and wish me goodnight, I get emotional.

I just realized that THAT has nothing to do with anything at all but I'm going to leave it be.

What I'm trying to say is, TRY (yes, I am still learning to try) to not judge people on the first look because you wouldn't want people doing the same to you. A person may be all you thought they could be and maybe even more. There is always hope, and it floats (It doesn't make sense, I know. But I was suddenly reminded of the movie Hope Floats.

And of course, I do know how to ride a motorcycle - pillion style.

37 hours in a day still wouldn't be enough

*Dust*Dust*Dust*

The fact that it took me six minutes of thinking before coming up with this sentence, worries me.

Apologies for the long hiatus and lack of updates. People who read my blog frequently would know this about me. That I take long breaks from blogging sometimes. I like to always point a finger at writer's block for such instances though I have to admit that he is not ALWAYS at fault.

Now I'm back. Bigger (most definitely) and better (I hope).

I'm being asked the questions, "Are you ever going to update your blog?" and "When are you going to update your blog?" ever so often lately. I haven't been updating my blog because I have been extremely busy lately. Not only am I tight up with work, I am also tied up with other things. I will give you an example of 'other things' when I think of something. Well, okay. I have run out of excuses. In fact, I shouldn't be making any excuses at all. I got myself a netbook and now have broadband internet connection at home (yes, I didn't use to) so there is no excuses for not updating frequently. None at all.

The truth is, I have been lazy. Seriously and absolutely lazy and unmotivated to blog. I like to tell people that I have been so busy, I can't find the time. But in actual fact, I have been a lazy bum at updating my blog. I have been squeezed dry of ideas on what to blog about. Merely updating on "how my day went today" is boring and just isn't enough.

The thing is, work takes up most of my time in a day. And although my work involves a lot of communicating with clients via email while sitting on a chair at a desk in an air-conditioned office space, it actually drains out the energy off me at the end of the day. My official - official being on paper, in my employment contract - working hours is from 8.30 a.m to 5.30 p.m but nobody ever leaves at 5.30 p.m (except for the lady who does admin for my team who leaves on the spot every day). I arrive at work around 7.30 a.m daily. I know this is not mainly due to my diligence or how eager I am to start work everyday, but instead is also due to my own 'kiasu-ness'. There, i have admitted it. I am early everyday because I don't want to miss parking in front of my building, of which if happens will result in me having to walk more than 30 steps to get to my building which I think is a complete hassle and unnecessary.

So yes, I get in at 7.30 and would normally have breakfast in the office while checking my emails and drafting replies for my supervisor's review. Believe it or not, I have never Facebooked in the office. I know it sounds kind of impossible, but I swear. Due to the fast pace of my job - I have to constantly check my emails and draft replies and normally have datelines to meet every single day - the earliest I would leave th office for home would be at 6 p.m. Most of the days when I get home, i don't feel like doing anything else but lie in bed and sleep. After showering and freshening up, of course. My point is, nothing else would come to mind at that point of day. Not blogging or Facebooking or YM-ing. All I'd see is my comfy orange spread bed and all I could think about is that one phone call before I drift, sailing away to wherever it is my mind takes me in Dreamland. Most of the time, I don;t even feel like doing anything on the weekend. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I have succumbed and given in to the norm of society and let my work drain the life out of me. My life is officially boring.

Having said all that, I am glad that I do not hate my job - yet. Haha. It's something different from what I expected to be doing after I graduated and there are a lot to learn. But I like my job because I think if we're not doing it then a lot, and I mean a lot of expats would be having problems with employment in Malaysia. Haha. Yes, the work is hectic and constantly demanding and its occupational hazard is paper-cuts, but it's my source of income and I'm thankful for it. Yay me!

Speaking of Yay Me!s, I have recently just officially graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Accounting (Hons.). My graduation/convocation ceremony was on 27 May 2010. You can find pictures on Facebook. Thanks to Abah and Mama for making it possible and my brother and sister for being there. Special shout-outs to my special friends Nana and En Pencuri Hati for sparing their time to see me on stage for 25 seconds. I love yous.

Until my next boring update, I'll be keeping it real.

I wouldn't want to live forever.

I miss the days when everything was simple. When your biggest problem was that your neighbour talked to herself and you were constantly distracted by her shouts and cries that you couldn’t study for a test the next day. When the highlight of your day included not flunking a Financial Accounting test and spending time eating Korean BBQ with your friends after debate training. I miss the days when friends were around and reachable and all we had to do to decide on a ‘lepak’ session was meet in the living hall. I miss the days when everything was impromptu; when meeting up doesn’t take ages to plan; when plans are executed and no one was too busy to join in the fun. I miss the days when all I needed to do when in need of a shoulder to cry on was knock on the next room’s door. I miss the nights filled with laughter because we were all too awake to fall asleep and the nights scented with the aroma of caffeine because we were all too sleepy to stay awake to study.

Don’t get me wrong. Work is great. All the people you meet and new things you experience. Work is fantastic. It’s another new chapter of life that you have no choice but to write and illustrate. But with work come responsibilities and complicated commitments. Now, the highlight of your day includes actually finding a parking space within untiring walking distance to the office and being able to leave the office sharp at 5.30 p.m. And payday of course but not long after, after the loan payments, insurance payments, Touch&Go payments, credit card payments, putting aside a sum of money for one month worth of petrol, you’re left scratching your head again counting the days to the next payday.

I miss the days when things are simple.